
MEGAN FOX'S ASSISTANT TIRED OF FOX CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR A 'CHEEBURGER'

MEGAN FOX INJURES KNEE ATTEMPTING TO PROGRAM BLENDER

IN NEW INTERVIEW, MEGAN FOX REVEALS HER FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYER "HAS ALWAYS BEEN BALLPARK FRANK"

STRUGGLING WHALING COMPANY FAILS TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK YOU CATCH A WHALE

ELECTRICAL OUTLET LONGING FOR MALE END OF EX-VACUUM

MARK MCGWIRE TOOK STEROIDS, INERTIA ALSO A PROPERTY OF MATTER

STUDY: 3% OF COAL RECEIVERS DIE WITHIN A YEAR, 100% OF MYRRH RECEIVERS CRUCIFIED WITHIN 35

LITTLE PATTY CAKEBAKERSMAN TORMENTED BY CLASSMATES: 'BAKE ME A CAKE AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!" DEMANDS MIKEY THORESEN, 11

TWILIGHT SAGA SETS NEW RECORD FOR WEAKEST SAGA

QDOBA, ADOBE MERGE TO FORM QDOBE, A MYTHICAL PLACE WHERE LOLCAT FAJITAS ARE BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE

ANDERSON COOPER COVERS TRAGIC EXODUS OF BRETT FAVRE FROM SUPERDOME

WHOOPIE CUSHION POOR LOVE-MAKING CUSHION

ANDY WARHOL: NOT A BIG FAN OF SOUP

CARTOGRAPHERS: BULGARIA A CROTCH-STUFFER

SCIENCE MUSEUM CURATOR TIRED OF QUARTZ BRINGING DOWN THE PRECIOUS GEMS EXHIBIT

PIRATE SEX: X MARKS THE G SPOT

MAN'S BESTIALITY WITH PIG DOES NOT LEAD TO SWINE FLU BUT DOES LEAD TO SWINE CRABS, CRAB FLU

FINANCIAL BRIEF: MAJORITY OF DISNEY STOCK NOW TORRENTED

BOY, 15, DEMANDS SEX ED CLASS HAVE SEX ED LAB

WOODCHUCKS: NOT A BIG FAN OF WOOD

ENGLISH LANGUAGE OFFICIALLY DIES WITH CREATION OF "ROFLSTILTSKIN”

AUSTRALIAN WITH FEMALE ORGASMIC DISORDER UNABLE TO COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER

MAN DIVORCES PILLOW WHEN IT REVEALS COLD, LOVELESS UNDERSIDE

SUPREME COURT FINDS TACO BELL'S NACHO SUPREMACY UNCONSTITUTIONAL

BI CYCLIST LIKES TO RIDE BANANA SEAT EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE

BREAKING NEWS: MAN HACKS A DAILY MUSING. ALSO GREG IS GAY

OJ SIMPSON FINDS REAL KILLER, MAKES HIM SANDWICH

SUFJAN STEVENS ARRESTED, OR A CONJUNCTION OF DRONES STANDS FOR THE ACCUSED, OR LET'S HEAR THOSE CHARGES AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY HEARD THEM ALL THE WAY OUT IN BUSHNELL, OR ONE LAST "WHOO-HOO!" FOR THE BAILIFF

NIGERIAN MAN MARRIES PILLOW: "THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL SMOTHER HIM," SAYS FRIEND

TERMINALLY ILL MAN FINDS MEANING IN PASSWORD "REMEMBER ME" OPTION

BRET MICHAELS' NEW RECIPE BOOK 'COOKING WITH POISON' FLOPS

GE INVENTS TALKING TOASTER, ACTIVE LISTENING MICROWAVE

FERAL FOURTH JONAS BROTHER FOUND TETHERED TO POLE IN FAMILY ATTIC

MONTANA LEGALIZES CRACK IN DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO MAKE RESIDENTS MORE INTERESTING

ON HEELS OF SCANDAL, ERIN ANDREWS LEARNS FIRSTHAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PESTERED BY GLIB FEMALE REPORTERS LIKE ERIN ANDREWS

TITO JACKSON STILL COMING TO TERMS WITH DEATH OF TACO BELL DOG

KINGS OF LEON OUSTED IN BLOODLESS COUP

FOSSIL OF 60,000-YEAR OLD GEICO CAVEMAN FOUND IN NORTHERN FRANCE

CHINA RECALLS YAO MING

MATTRESS FINANCE INDUSTRY COLLAPSES WHEN 400-POUND EDGAR WINNEGER SITS DOWN

FINANCIAL BRIEF: JESUS TOAST (INRYE) GAINS BIG ON WALL STREET ON BACK OF MATTRESS FINANCE INVESTORS, MOSES TACOS (MTAC) PLUMMET

MATTRESS FINANCE INDUSTRY DONE IN BY RECENT WATERBEDDING ALLEGATIONS
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