Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fox Muse Ticker XV.5: Best-of Edition

FOX MUSE TICKER
ALL THE MUCK THAT'S FIT TO RAKE

smile MEGAN FOX'S ASSISTANT TIRED OF FOX CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR A 'CHEEBURGER'smile MEGAN FOX INJURES KNEE ATTEMPTING TO PROGRAM BLENDER smile IN NEW INTERVIEW, MEGAN FOX REVEALS HER FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYER "HAS ALWAYS BEEN BALLPARK FRANK" smile STRUGGLING WHALING COMPANY FAILS TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK YOU CATCH A WHALE smile ELECTRICAL OUTLET LONGING FOR MALE END OF EX-VACUUM smile MARK MCGWIRE TOOK STEROIDS, INERTIA ALSO A PROPERTY OF MATTER smile STUDY: 3% OF COAL RECEIVERS DIE WITHIN A YEAR, 100% OF MYRRH RECEIVERS CRUCIFIED WITHIN 35 smile LITTLE PATTY CAKEBAKERSMAN TORMENTED BY CLASSMATES: 'BAKE ME A CAKE AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!" DEMANDS MIKEY THORESEN, 11 smile TWILIGHT SAGA SETS NEW RECORD FOR WEAKEST SAGA smile QDOBA, ADOBE MERGE TO FORM QDOBE, A MYTHICAL PLACE WHERE LOLCAT FAJITAS ARE BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE smile ANDERSON COOPER COVERS TRAGIC EXODUS OF BRETT FAVRE FROM SUPERDOME smile WHOOPIE CUSHION POOR LOVE-MAKING CUSHION smileANDY WARHOL: NOT A BIG FAN OF SOUP smile CARTOGRAPHERS: BULGARIA A CROTCH-STUFFER smile SCIENCE MUSEUM CURATOR TIRED OF QUARTZ BRINGING DOWN THE PRECIOUS GEMS EXHIBIT smile PIRATE SEX: X MARKS THE G SPOT smile MAN'S BESTIALITY WITH PIG DOES NOT LEAD TO SWINE FLU BUT DOES LEAD TO SWINE CRABS, CRAB FLU smile FINANCIAL BRIEF: MAJORITY OF DISNEY STOCK NOW TORRENTED smile BOY, 15, DEMANDS SEX ED CLASS HAVE SEX ED LAB smile WOODCHUCKS: NOT A BIG FAN OF WOOD smile ENGLISH LANGUAGE OFFICIALLY DIES WITH CREATION OF "ROFLSTILTSKIN”smile AUSTRALIAN WITH FEMALE ORGASMIC DISORDER UNABLE TO COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER smile MAN DIVORCES PILLOW WHEN IT REVEALS COLD, LOVELESS UNDERSIDE smile SUPREME COURT FINDS TACO BELL'S NACHO SUPREMACY UNCONSTITUTIONAL smile BI CYCLIST LIKES TO RIDE BANANA SEAT EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE smile BREAKING NEWS: MAN HACKS A DAILY MUSING. ALSO GREG IS GAY smile OJ SIMPSON FINDS REAL KILLER, MAKES HIM SANDWICH smile SUFJAN STEVENS ARRESTED, OR A CONJUNCTION OF DRONES STANDS FOR THE ACCUSED, OR LET'S HEAR THOSE CHARGES AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY HEARD THEM ALL THE WAY OUT IN BUSHNELL, OR ONE LAST "WHOO-HOO!" FOR THE BAILIFF smile NIGERIAN MAN MARRIES PILLOW: "THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL SMOTHER HIM," SAYS FRIEND smile TERMINALLY ILL MAN FINDS MEANING IN PASSWORD "REMEMBER ME" OPTION smile BRET MICHAELS' NEW RECIPE BOOK 'COOKING WITH POISON' FLOPS smile GE INVENTS TALKING TOASTER, ACTIVE LISTENING MICROWAVE smile FERAL FOURTH JONAS BROTHER FOUND TETHERED TO POLE IN FAMILY ATTIC smile MONTANA LEGALIZES CRACK IN DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO MAKE RESIDENTS MORE INTERESTING smile ON HEELS OF SCANDAL, ERIN ANDREWS LEARNS FIRSTHAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PESTERED BY GLIB FEMALE REPORTERS LIKE ERIN ANDREWS smile TITO JACKSON STILL COMING TO TERMS WITH DEATH OF TACO BELL DOG smile KINGS OF LEON OUSTED IN BLOODLESS COUP smile FOSSIL OF 60,000-YEAR OLD GEICO CAVEMAN FOUND IN NORTHERN FRANCE smile CHINA RECALLS YAO MING smile MATTRESS FINANCE INDUSTRY COLLAPSES WHEN 400-POUND EDGAR WINNEGER SITS DOWN smile FINANCIAL BRIEF: JESUS TOAST (INRYE) GAINS BIG ON WALL STREET ON BACK OF MATTRESS FINANCE INVESTORS, MOSES TACOS (MTAC) PLUMMET smile MATTRESS FINANCE INDUSTRY DONE IN BY RECENT WATERBEDDING ALLEGATIONS smile

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