A Daily Musing to Entertain Noah Levinson

One More Thing

2010-05-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Oh! Noah! I never got to finish my thought about metaphysical elemental realism vis-a-vis social injustice. Anyway, I digested a wonderfully verisimilar (BOOM) examination of the woes in the Parisian banlieue, and, like I was saying before--

...

...

...

...

...

...

Oh, Jesus, what now--

"You know, you go out there every day, battling for so long and so hard, giving your all, until there comes a time when you just have to step away...but the game can't keep you down forever..."

No, Michael--

"There's always that drive to come back, you know? This is my passion. It's all I know how to do..."

Mike, stop--

"I guess what I'm trying to say is..."

MICHAEL--

"Oh shiiii, I'm coming back!"

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

No you're not, Michael.

Sorry.

The End

2010-05-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

...morf set a nigirog olbs iht.

IT WAS ALL A PALINDROME.

For the complete catalog, still incomplete as of the time of this post, go here.

That's it!

My Parting To Do List

2010-05-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

Noah, one of my favorite posts was my life to do list. Sadly, I haven't completed any of my goals, although "Gregmudgeonly" has been used on occasion. Since June, though, I've come up with some additions. Consider this my parting to-do list.

10 Narrate a Narration Montage
I'm going to get a bunch of clips of people narrating things and narrate it. "Here, Morgan Freeman lets his viewers know just how the penguins feel." I'll be all witty and shit, and then I'll set it to music.

11 Friend a Friendster
People used to write on my Facebook wall. No one does anymore. Now, Facebook consists of writing witty statuses like "I want to go on something more thrilling than Haunted House 1," followed by five people "liking" it. I have low self-esteem, so I interpret that as 398 people not liking it. Really, you like that feeling you get when you bike at night and it smells like bonfires but you don't like my jokes? Ass, I'll de-friend you (side note: I decided the hyphen was necessary or else it looked too much like "defend," which I would never do to someone who didn't like my Montel juicer joke).

Anyway, if I move permanently to Friendster a lot of stress will go away. Follow me or friend me or whatever-people-do-on-Friendster me today!

12 Go to Ray Gay Sales
Ray Gay Sales sounds like the place where people like me go when they die. It's a frickin'--no, I'm retiring in two days--fucking carnival supply store. Do you want a 20" glowing plastic pirate sword for $2.25? How about a "balloon drop bag" with 100 balloons for under $10? Think of things people only wear when they are drunk. This store is the Walmart Supercenter for them.

So where's a place like Ray Gay located? In between the bubble wrap factory and the flavored condom depot? Nope. It's a quarter of a mile from my house, yet I've never been.

13 Attend a Taping for Jerry Springer
I was watching Jerry Springer two days ago, and they had boobs on. Now I've never seen boobs. I don't know what majestic object women hide behind their bras. A glowy thing like HAL 9000? Bubble wrap? More rhetorical questions? I thought that my best chance was wooing some slut with flowers and an empty promise about my sexual prowess, as I presumed Jerry Springer taped his show in California. But you know what happens when you presume: you make a pres...um...

Further research revealed that Springer taped in the other state that began with a C, had a double-digit number of letters and a Stanford. To Connecticut!

14 Do the Opposite of What Normal Life To Do Lists Say
The toughest part of writing every day is writing the first sentence. Usually I have no clue what I'm doing, which is why days start off with "so, Noah, I'm watching this shitty show, so I'm going to think of some words that rhyme with 'shitty.' Ditty....gritty...tig ol' bitty...not many words rhyme with shitty." For this to-do list, I looked for ideas on the Internet, and holy tig ol' bitties did I get some sappy results. "Forgive your parents." "Shower in a waterfall." "Read Thoreau on Walden Pond while drifting in a canoe." I'm 20 years old and bored on a computer, not about to die of kidney failure (yet). If I forgive my parents, who am I going to blame for why I'm so ugly? If I shower in a waterfall, how will I luffa? If I drift in a canoe while reading about the price of beans, who will steer my boat away from the 4,000 other transcendentalists musing on the pond? Why is everything in the form of a question? Have I become that poor of a wirter?

The solution here is to do the opposite of these suggestions. "Be a mentor." No. That's not fulfilling my needs at all. If it's my to-do list everything should benefit me and only me. I'll be mentored and steal my mentor's life work.

I think the opposite of shower in a waterfall is shower in prison. I'll save that one for last, when I'm about to die and am all angsty and rebellious. The opposite of the Thoreau thing is definitely reading Captain Underpants on a highway overpass. Consider it done.

15 Win a Hockey Game
So I'm in this roller hockey league, and we suck. It's not anybody's fault in particular, more so the defense as a whole. I play goal, which is nice because I get to play the entire game and had to pay less, but isn't nice because for 44 minutes every Tuesday night I face a barrage of 2-on-0s, point-break one-timers and cross-crease tip-ins. As a result, I'm far from leading the league in traditional statistics like "wins" (0), "goals against average" (10.50) or "skill" (little), but I've invented my own statistics to lead in, including "saves per dollar," "percentage of goals that didn't go five hole" (95.2%), and "frustration" (17).

We lost to the best team in the league, 13-2, and lost last week, 8-4, and goddam those scores make me look bad, but this Tuesday we play the other 0-2 team. Of course, they've played two really good teams and lost to one of them by one. BUT THERE'S STILL HOPE. As long as I play flawlessly Tuesday, we'll surely reign victorious. As long as I play flawlessly...

In Résurrection: Pepsi Lime & In Memoriam: In Memoriam

2010-05-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

HEY NOAH. Remember when I said Pepsi Lime died? WELL GUESS WHAT. They brought it back in Canada. AND GUESS WHO LIVES NEAR CANADA.

All the supermarkets around here have Diet Pepsi Lime in stock and ready to be delicious. I may soon enter an aspartame-based coma if aspartame-based comas are a real thing.

I hereby resurrect Pepsi Lime, a product that rose majestically from the grave like Lazarus, which is a terrible simile because Lazarus is dead and Pepsi Lime is alive and tangy.

Let's say it's like a phoenix, although they're probably moving to Winnipeg soon.

Also, Noah, do you know what this means? It means In Memoriam lied. It failed like border patrol, so now it's time to put it to rest.

Let the tears flow.

Requiescat in pace.

Year in Preview Update & Doubling Up to Cram More Stuff

2010-05-20T14:36:00.001-07:00

The over/under for Congressmen scandals was set at 1.5. Well, Noah, we've hit the over and it's only May. Eric Massa's tickling fetish struck in March. Although I put my money on longshots Chet Edwards (to win), Thaddeus McCotter (to place) and kitchenette saleswoman Shelley Moore Capito (to show), Mark Souder scored the game-winning poon this week with his affair admission and subsequent resignation.

Also, since I have four days left to muse to you, Noah, I'm packing in another inane thought today. If they can curve bullets in Wanted, I want to make a film in which a guy stands behind another guy at a urinal and curves the pee around him. Morgan Freeman will be in it somehow.

My Top 10

2010-05-19T18:52:00.001-07:00

Movies. Boom. Here we go.

Honorable Mentions
Alfred Hitchcock movies (notably Strangers on a Train, The Man Who Knew Too Much, Vertigo, Psycho, North by Northwest and Frenzy), Black Dynamite, Kill Bill, Band of Brothers, Dekalog, The Truman Show, and American Beauty

#10 - Skhizein

#9 - Man Bites Dog

#8 - Triplets of Belleville

#7 - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

#6 - Ikiru

#5 - Stanley Kubrick movies
(notably Full Metal Jacket, Dr. Strangelove and The Killing)

#4 - Coen Brothers movies
(notably Fargo, The Man Who Wasn't There, No Country for Old Men and A Serious Man)

#3 - Oldboy

#2 - Requiem for a Dream

#1 - There Will Be Blood

Parting Movies

2010-05-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

So Noah, most of this blog is pointless rambling, but I actually do provide some good information when it comes to movies. In the past, I've posted up Logorama, Video Terraform Dance Party and many other short films, and I've also hyped up stuff like Black Dynamite and Skhizein to no end. Now, as I sail off into the sunset on my golden hot air balloon, I have a few parting recommendations.

Inception

Machete

The Illusionist

Hereafter (directed by Clint Eastwood)

Black Swan (directed by Darren Aronofsky)

True Grit (directed by the Coen Brothers)

The Tree of Life (directed by Terrence Malick)

Those are the big ones. There are a few others, including the Facebook movie, but...yeah.

Graduation!

2010-05-17T20:37:00.001-07:00

My computer's been going all Lagatha Christie on me today. Regardless, here's Graduation. Now let's go form a choir.

Words

2010-05-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Here's the list of words I never got to use, as promised. I may have used "nigh."

indefatigable (in-duh-FAT-ih-guh-buhl) - incapable of being tired out; not yielding to fatigue; untiring

jnana (juh-NAH-nuh) - absolute knowledge acquired through meditation and study as a means of reaching Brahman; a state of awareness independent of conceptual thought

defenestrate (dee-FEN-uh-strayt) - to throw out a window

encomium (should be obvious) - glowing and warmly enthusiastic praise

endoplasmic reticulum (rhymes with tendoplasmic reticulum) - a system of interconnected vesicular and lamellar cytoplasmic membranes that functions especially in the transport of materials within the cell and that is studded with ribosomes in some places

nigh (nahy) - near in space, time, or relation

hadal (HEYD-l) - of or pertaining to the greatest ocean depths, below approximately 20,000 ft

verisimilitude (ver-uh-sih-MIL-ih-tood) - the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability

I was going to use all these words in an anecdote about how I had a 75-second pee yesterday after Iron Man 2, but there's no way. "Nigh" and "hadal" are good short words to know, but apparently oil leaks don't occur at hadal depths and Titanics only sink to half-hadal depths. I love "defenestrate" because it sounds like a combination of "castrate" and "defecate" yet has nothing to do with testes. "Verisimilitude" is a word you learn in high school that would come in handy when talking about movies if anybody understood what the hell "verisimilitude" meant.

Free Association Goodbye

2010-05-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Noah, goodbyes usually have some sort of structure. I looked it up online. Of course, though, structure is dumb. What's the best time in kindergarten? Free time. What's more fun to play with, goo or scaffolding? Obviously goo. What's a better form of entertainment? Ulysses or a Hollywood action film? Uh...

But, yeah, structure is dumb.

I really don't have anything planned for the last 10 days for your entertainment. Maybe I'll write a poem or something, but there won't be a powerful quote or lasting words. The only important words will be "The End" or possibly "Fin"--I haven't decided--and also a list of words I wanted to use but never was able to (like "indefatigable"). Pay attention to those. Also, man that's a weird-looking sentence.

I'm taking today's part of the goodbye from everybody's favorite pre-story brainstorming technique. You know the one: write random crap until you have The Godfather III on your hands. Since I'm not much for planning, this kind of thing is perfect. Here we go, my unplanned goodbye. It's probably going to be a good glimpse into the weird connections my mind makes.

I wonder if anyone saw the double-pun in Fox Muse Ticker. Yeah, there's Fox News, but I also always work in Megan Fox. I didn't actually plan it that way; I only noticed it last month. I just wanted to make fun of Megan Fox. If you noticed it before me, Noah, bravo. I thought about gradually misspelling Noah over time until it turned into something like "Morgan" or "Nero," but I never did; I was gonna start with "Naoh," but I assumed some ass would harangue me for including a tpyo. Naoh, Naomi, N...something. There's no time! I'm glad I didn't do this in a leap year. Then I'd have 366 days of material for a 365 page page-a-day calendar. I mean, I'm going to have 366 days for it because I'll have done May 23, 2009-May 23, 2010, so there's two May 23s, but that just means I can throw out a crappy day. I'm trying to think of crappy days... I didn't like my hipster thing; I was being too preachy. Also the Nobel Dynamite Prizes got better once old people started dying. I never did that one weekly. I'm impressed I churned out as many Tickers as I did, though I'm sad the html doesn't work in Safari and Chrome, and I think my target demographic uses those. I'm also glad I got to make fun of Philadelphia a lot. I was only at its airport but it smelled bad. Badly? Foul. Smelled something foul. I was going to do a power ranking of all the airports I've been in, but I never did. Detroit has a monorail in their airport, so they'd win. I've had a bunch of ideas I never wrote about; most of the time I forget them before I can write them down. Sometimes I'll save drafts in the queue. I had "GRANDPAS N IPODS" in the draft folder for about six months until I got around to drawing earbuds on. I scribbled down "Hangover 2: Post-Apocalypse" on a piece of paper as a reminder to do a musing, but I forgot what exactly that meant. Feel free to interpret that as you want; it probably would have been dumb. But then this is dumb so it'd fit. I have yet to use "farthermore" in a conversation. I stand by it being a word.

Turn-of-the-Century

2010-05-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

Today, Noah, I declare "turn-of-the-century" to no longer mean "from 1900." It now refers to 2000. Example: "I don't know who I like more: 1980s John Cusack or turn-of-the-century John Cusack." I apologize if this leads to you thinking of High Fidelity in Sepia tone. The thought will pass.

Natural Gas Companies

2010-05-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Noah, it's been really cold in Buffalo recently. That got me thinking: natural gas companies probably pray to their golden calf for cold springs to bilk more money out of customers. But then that thinking got me thinking: natural gas companies are the one kid of company doomed to fail (besides restaurants). More profit comes from cold springs. Cold springs mean more heating. More heating means more greenhouse gas emissions. More greenhouse gas emissions mean warmer temperatures. Warmer temperatures mean warmer springs. Warmer springs mean less profits. Or just a price increase.

In the words of Jim Seymour, OH NOOOOO.

Lost

2010-05-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

NOAH.

I just looked it up--this blog ends the same day Lost ends.

Coincidence?

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES WHEN IT COMES TO LOST.

For months I've been planting ~~meaningless shit~~ important clues EV-A-RYWHERE.

If you haven't figured out why the plane crashed yet, YOU'RE PROBABLY TERRI SCHIAVO.

Remember when I told you about the Oxen Penis Legion, and you were all like, "Wow, that sounds really cool. I want to join the Oxen Penis Legion. I love Oxen Penis." WELL GUESS WHAT THAT ANAGRAMS TO.

"ENGINE EXPLOSION."

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE DHARMA LOGOS LOOK LIKE????

THAT'S RIGHT. ENGINES.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SMOKE MONSTER COMES FROM??????????

HOLD YOUR JOCK IN PLACE: AN ENGINE EXPLOSION.

LOST IS FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Cataloging

2010-05-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

I realize, Noah, that this website really wasn't designed to go back and read old pages. You have to click "older posts" or guess what I tagged something as if you're looking for, say, "let's get perpendicular" or something like that. I never even tagged that one, and it's double-digit pages back. Since I'm wrapping everything up, I decided to make a nice, easy-access list that links to every day's musing. I only got through linking the first 128 days so far; I'm lazy, but I'll get to the rest eventually. I was distracted by how much awesome stuff is in the first month. Time for you to get distracted, too.

Introduction - An Introduction
Day 1 - The Pope is Getting a Facebook
Day 2 - Karma v. Karama
Day 3 - Inside Edition
Day 4 - School Buses on eBay
Day 5 - Stimulating the Economy
Day 6 - The Terminator
Day 7 - Nair Your Face
Day 8 - Adult High Chairs
Day 9 - Match the Slogans
Day 10 - Tournament of Classiness
Day 11 - Black Midnight, Maker of Children's Music
Day 12 - Conan Q&A
Day 13 - Life: Many Will Enter, Few Will Win
Day 14 - F My Life: A Challenge
Day 15 - Eating Babies/Ted Stevens (Unrelated)
Day 16 - Sour Cream and Onion
Day 17 - Benjamin Button without Benjamin Button
Day 18 - "There Can Be Only One" Script
Day 19 - Why Comedies Aren't Funny
Day 20 - Boondock Saints Syndrome
Day 21 - The Game of Life
Day 22 - New Sports
Day 23 - Curling 55
Day 24 - Lazy Sunday
Day 25 - Prank Calls
Day 26 - Doritos
Day 27 - Movies If They Had Different Directors
Day 28 - Historical Twitter
Day 29 - My Life To Do List
Day 30 - Cousins of the Corn
Day 31 - In Memoriam: Nonsense Labels
Day 32 - Historical Twitter II
Day 33 - "I'm Like Cabinet Room LBJ."
Day 34 - Pears
Day 35 - Movie Trilogies
Day 36 - Freud's Loose Ends
Day 37 - Censorship
Day 38 - Funny/Not Funny!
Day 39 - Buy Me a Car, Sponsored by You
Day 40 - Battle of the Kubrick Superstars
Day 41 - The Cozy Sarkozy
Day 42 - Fox Muse Ticker
Day 43 - In Memoriam: Historical Twitter
Day 44 - Dinner With Any Five People
Day 45 - Fox Muse Ticker II
Day 46 - Ellipses v. Periods
Day 47 - There Will Be Blood Quotes (Never Updated)
Day 48 - For Dummies Books
Day 49 - Guinness World Records
Day 50 - Holly Hunter = Jodie Foster
Day 51 - A Letter from an Anonymous Girl
Day 52 - Bad Movies from Great Directors
Day 53 - In Soviet Russia...
Day 54 - Devil's Advocate
Day 55 - The Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Basketball Buzzkill Guy
Day 56 - Jim Seymour
Day 57 - Return to Pitt Countdown Clock
Day 58 - The 2080s
Day 59 - The Dekathlon
Day 60 - Jack and the Liberal Beanstalk
Day 61 - Things Not to Put on Your Resume
Day 62 - Fox Muse Ticker III
Day 63 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Guglielmo Marconi
Day 64 - A Daily Musing to Entertain Germans, Italians and the Swiss
Day 65 - Battle of the Kubrick Superstars: The Altercation in Claymation
Day 66 - An Introduction to Arch Rival
Day 67 - Funny/Not Funny!
Day 68 - "Wouldn't It Be Nice" as a Form of Torture
Day 69 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Frederick Banting
Day 70 - 52-Year-Old Trivia
Day 71 - Fox Muse Ticker IV
Day 72 - Made-Up Band Names, Featuring Colonial Foam
Day 73 - TORTOISE SEX
Day 74 - Black Dynamite
Day 75 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Jesus
Day 76 - "En la fiesta, vi una mujer fea. Vomite mucho."
Day 77 - Rascal Flatts
Day 78 - Ambulances on eBay
Day 79 - Fox Muse Ticker V
Day 80 - The Jonathan Papelbon Dugout Band
Day 81 - A Poem Made Up Entirely of Facebook Statuses
Day 82 - What Happens When You Die
Day 83 - Polite Street Language
Day 84 - My Motto
Day 85 - Pluto Nash Day
Day 86 - Fox Muse Ticker VI
Day 87 - In Memoriam: My Wriststrong
Day 88 - The Best Things from Canada
Day 89 - Why Health Crazes are Dumb
Day 90 - I Am a Hipster! And by That I Mean That Means I'm Not
Day 91 - Ice Cream Ice Cream Scoops
Day 92 - WOMEN N TRUCKS
Day 93 - Battle of the Kubrick Superstars: The Spree on the Marquee
Day 94 - October 19, 2012
Day 95 - Inglourious Basterds
Day 96 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Gertrude Baines
Day 97 - 3D Tetris/HD Binoculars
Day 98 - More on Ice Cream
Day 99 - Just a Friend
Day 100 - There's a Dekathlon Class!
Day 101 - And Twins! Public Broadcast Version
Day 102 - The Fat People and Midget Walk
Day 103 - A Tribute to the Taco Bell Dog...and Classical Music
Day 104 - Mitch Hedberg
Day 105 - Fox Muse Ticker VII
Day 106 - Noah Levinsons Unite!
Day 107 - The Glasses Conspiracy
Day 108 - Post-College Maturity of the Cool
Day 109 - Connelly or Mugabe?
Day 110 - The Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup Noodle
Day 111 - Mighty Taco
Day 112 - The Arch Rival League
Day 113 - Nobel Dynamite Prize Update: Gertrude Baines Has Passed Away
Day 114 - The Hillmaster
Day 115 - The Bills Make Me Want to Shout
Day 116 - One Month Until Black Dynamite
Day 117 - Fox Muse Ticker VIII
Day 118 - Endearing Indie Quirky People
Day 119 - Advanced Relationship Advice in Baseball Terminology
Day 120 - Same Phone Number, Different Area Code
Day 121 - G21
Day 122 - Where the Wild Things Aren't
Day 123 - G4
Day 124 - Fox Muse Ticker IX
Day 125 - That's G
Day 126 - G∞
Day 127 - GHL
Day 128 - The 1st Annual Pitt Bike Toss
Day 129 - G3000
Day 130 - Five Underrated Movies of 2009
Day 131 - Bike Pass & Kick
Day 132 - Fox Muse Ticker X
Day 133 - Skhizein
Day 134 - Jesse Eisenberg in: Landland
Day 135 - The Waffle and Pancake Stimulus Package
Day 136 - Battle of the Kubrick Superstars: The Climax in Imax
Day 137 - Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Day 138 - Battle of the Kubrick Superstars: Denouement
Day 139 - One Week Until Black Dynamite
Day 140 - Fear of Umbrellas
Day 141 - In Memoriam: Pepsi Lime
Day 142 - Pepsi Lime: There is Hope
Day 143 - GHL: Update
Day 144 - Montana: Axis of Evil
Day 145 - Iconic Movie Scenes of the 2000s: part 1
Day 146 - Black Dynamite Out Today
Day 147 - Iconic Movie Scenes of the 2000s: part 2
Day 148 - Where the Wild Things EAT A SANDWICH ALREADY
Day 149 - Nagi-!
Day 150 - Luke and Owen Wilson are the Angry Beavers
Day 151 - "Enjoy the Little Things"
Day 152 - Let's Get Horizontal
Day 153 - Farthermore
Day 154 - Newsfeeds
Day 155 - Jackrabbit! Game
Day 156 - Space Bear
Day 157 - Waldo
Day 158 - Jackrabbit! Game Addendum
Day 159 - Fox Muse Ticker XI
Day 160 - Waldo Found
Day 161 - Good and Bad Halloween Costumes
Day 162 - Three Kinds of Email I Enjoy
Day 163 - Destress
Day 164 - Delicious Acronyms
Day 165 - Great Movies as Described by Intro to Screenplay Presenters
Day 166 - In Africa, Phillies Win!
Day 167 - Cherry Coke
Day 168 - It's Not Really Necessary to Remember the 5th of November
Day 169 - A Serious Man
Day 170 - Questions for 98 Degrees
Day 171 - Carl Sagan Presents: Name That Movie
Day 172 - If 1,000,000 People Read This Blog, All Your Population-based Facebook Goals Will Come True!
Day 173 - Jim Seymour is Wanted
Day 174 - WHOA CRAZY FUN FACTS WHOA
Day 175 - The Legend of the Geeby Gee
Day 176 - Soylent Green
Day 177 - The Fantastic Life of Ed Shorecroft
Day 178 - Popular Websites
Day 179 - Clint Eastwood on a Roll
Day 180 - Cinematic Twitter
Day 181 - Cran-Turducken
Day 182 - Clint Eastwood on a Roll Script
Day 183 - Thankstaking
Day 184 - Algebra
Day 185 - Omegle / A Tribute to Walt Whitman
Day 186 - Before You Leave
Day 187 - What I'm Thankful For
Day 188 - There's an Arrow in the FedEx Logo!!!
Day 189 - The Mos Def Scale of Coolness
Day 190 - Intragers
Day 191 - Hey Noah!
Day 192 - Not Peanut Butter
Day 193 - 200 (Celebrated a Week Early)
Day 194 - Slovenia: Not Important
Day 195 - Fox Muse Ticker XII
Day 196 - Zombie Zombies
Day 197 - Cincinnati Chantin'
Day 198 - Bing!
Day 199 - The Stanford Tree
Day 200 - Too Many Movies
Day 201 - Undercover Campus Cops
Day 202 - An Ode to Drew Lorimer
Day 203 - Archer
Day 204 - The Sabbath
Day 205 - Finals Week
Day 206 - The Music Mad Scientists Listen To As They're Building Molecules N Shit
Day 207 - "Colossal"
Day 208 - Twitter Twitter
Day 209 - Video Terraform Dance Party!!
Day 210 - Two Days Awake
Day 211 - The Great Mid-November Christmas Light Showdown
Day 212 - I Can Moonwalk!
Day 213 - An Ode to Philadelphia
Day 214 - The Hand Jive
Day 215 - HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
Day 216 - Uncle Billy
Day 217 - Seven Ways to Quickly Fulfill Your Weight Loss Goal
Day 218 - Fox Muse Ticker XIII: Christmas Edition
Day 219 - Duckpin Perfection
Day 220 - Christianity
Day 221 - The Uselessest Fact
Day 222 - "Seeing your ex with their new partner and noticing they have down-graded."
Day 223 - The Year in Preview
Day 224 - I Explain Womanhood
Day 225 - Velvet Underground Cover Band: One Night Only
Day 226 - The Top Movie Scenes of 2009
Day 227 - It's Not 2009
Day 228 - The Game of Life Returns
Day 229 - Waiters
Day 230 - Scale of ambiguous Homosexuality (with Kevin Spacey Being a 6)
Day 231 - The Hudsucker Proxy
Day 232 - Dexter is Criminally Insane!
Day 233 - 3D Glasses
Day 234 - Fox Muse Ticker XIV
Day 235 - Home Alone 2 Fireworks
Day 236 - The Deaf: Why Don't They Text?
Day 237 - Jamie Dixon
Day 238 - Medical History Forms
Day 239 - Sin Estreñimiento
Day 240 - I Can Completely Believe This is the Same Actor
Day 241 - Papa Joel
Day 242 - The Time Cube
Day 243 - Palindromes
Day 244 - The Internet Book Database
Day 245 - Oreo Poker
Day 246 - Jackrabbit! Continued
Day 247 - Wheelchair Pornography
Day 248 - Fox Muse Ticker XV
Day 249 - Make It Stop
Day 250 - The Ocean Full of Bowling Balls
Day 251 - The Best Piece of Art Ever
Day 252 - George Clooney Can't Finish a Speech
Day 253 - Man Scouts
Day 254 - Calendar Material
Day 255 - Sweat Bands
Day 256 - Fox Muse Ticker XV.5: Best-of Edition
Day 257 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: James Wright
Day 258 - Malodorous
Day 259 - Opposite Day
Day 260 - ADT
Day 261 - The Best Parts of the Super Bowl
Day 262 - Eating Contests
Day 263 - Fortuneless Cookies
Day 264 - Fortuneless Cookies II
Day 265 - Name That Coen Bros. Movie
Day 266 - "Images are Important"
Day 267 - Not a JibJab e-Valentine
Day 268 - The Best (Short) Movies
Day 269 - Females Under 18
Day 270 - Black Dynamite: The First Six Minutes
Day 271 - 1984
Day 272 - Ice, Cream
Day 273 - Loganberry
Day 274 - The Boat
Day 275 - Oh, Dem Watermelons!
Day 276 - Dance Studios
Day 277 - The First Female African-American Rabbi
Day 278 - John McCain Flowchart
Day 279 - Si, Conando!
Day 280 - Sweethearts
Day 281 - Go America!
Day 282 - La Quintas
Day 283 - Stereotypical Experimental Cinema Kid
Day 284 - Olympic Sex
Day 285 - WHOOOOOO!
Day 286 - Ithaca
Day 287 - Ithaca Live Blog Part 1
Day 288 - Ithaca Live Blog Intermission (Cute Kittens)
Day 289 - Ithaca Live Blog Part 2
Day 290 - Cleveland
Day 291 - Year in Preview Update: Congressional Scandal #1
Day 292 - WMKG-LP
Day 293 - Music Stores
Day 294 - Is That Gabourey Sidibe?
Day 295 - Humans Are Out of Control!
Day 296 - Psychedelic, Brah
Day 297 - Vague Thermostats
Day 298 - J@ck B0y G@te$
Day 299 - 300
Day 300 - In Memoriam: Broc Obama
Day 301 - Wonder Showzen
Day 302 - GRANDPAS N IPODS
Day 303 - Bleu Shut
Day 304 - Minimalist, Black-and-White Animation
Day 305 - Those Who Have Passed (More Mooching)
Day 306 - Rube Goldberg Across America
Day 307 - Cause
Day 308 - Effect
Day 309 - Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week: Dil Pickles
Day 310 - Fumbly Rumbly
Day 311 - Real Life Jerseys
Day 312 - Metaphysical Elemental Realism Vis-a-Vis Social Injustice
Day 313 - April Fools Day
Day 314 - Butterflies
Day 315 - Pictogram*
Day 316 - Oh No! Jesus is Dead!
Day 317 - The Mighty Husky
Day 318 - Clay People, Doin' Stuff
Day 319 - The Battle of the Spring Concerts
Day 320 - Celebrity Lookalikes
Day 321 - I Need to Get to Cuba
Day 322 - Is That a Current Eagle?
Day 323 - All Hail Vonnegut!
Day 324 - Birthday
Day 325 - Six Shooter
Day 326 - Everybody Wear White Tonight!
Day 327 - Fox Muse Ticker XVI
Day 328 - Join Le Bandwagon
Day 329 - Script Frenzy
Day 330 - In Memoriam: Laptop Mobility
Day 331 - Forehead Prints
Day 332 - Celebrity Lookalikes
Day 333 - Rally Time
Day 334 - Well Damn
Day 335 -
Day 336 -
Day 337 -
Day 338 -
Day 339 -
Day 340 -
Day 341 -
Day 342 -
Day 343 -
Day 344 -
Day 345 -
Day 346 -
Day 347 -
Day 348 -
Day 349 -
Day 350 -
Day 351 -
Day 352 -
Day 353 -
Day 354 -
Day 355 -
Day 356 -
Day 357 -
Day 358 -
Day 359 -
Day 360 -
Day 361 -
Day 362 -
Day 363 -
Day 364 -
Day 365 -

*The pictogram was Satchel Paige.

A Near-Daily Musing

2010-05-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

Noah, I'm debating whether or not to write something on the final day. There's just so much humor in ending it that way. It's like the kid with perfect attendance since middle school catching lupus the day before he graduates. Hilarious!

Also, I apologize that this is a weak one today. I played hockey for almost six hours. Do you know what six hours in a cup does to a man? Unpleasant things. I'm thinking of starting up a photojournal called "The Weird Positions of My Crumpled-Up Penis When I Take My Cup Off." On second thought, no. On third thought, yes.

And then Le Bandwagon rolled on and beat Pittsburgh. So, whoo yeah, prenez-vous it up, vous people, before Game 7 on Wednesday.

I also made a frickin' video yesterday, so this is like a day off. But really not. Now I'm just rambling. Here's a frog.

Here's tortoise sex again.

Two weeks left! On fourth thought...still yes.

MTV's Teen Mom

2010-05-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

Noah, earlier today I caught a little of the MTV show "Teen Mom," which is about--shocker--teen moms. The subjects kept tiptoeing around the big picture, though, so I made something with the magic of Windows Movie Maker to, well, clear things up.

Speech Improvement

2010-05-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Noah, movies know what they're doing. A really boring speech is made awesome with dramatic music. A ho-hum Moon rescue mission makes your palms all sweaty with tension-building strings (yep, still working in The Fountain references).

Well, I've always liked adding music over things, mainly over the couple next door, but before today that required the high technology of iTunes, or Windows Movie Maker if you wanted to save your masterwork. A couple hours ago, though, I found YouTube Doubler.

Here's the one that got me thinking about speeches. Now anybody can make boring talks at least 110% as good.

Robert Byrd
Adlai Stevenson
Rainbow Conspiracy Lady
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

And you can go beyond speeches. Ever want Christian Bale killing people set to Christian Bale singing?

Fox Muse Ticker XVII

2010-05-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

FOX MUSE TICKER
ALL THE MUCK THAT'S FIT TO RAKE

NATIONAL INTERFRATERNITY COUNCIL: COMMUNITY SERVICE HOURS MUST NOW BE COMPLETED IN GREECE NYC TOURIST: "CAN I HAVE MY BOOKS BACK?" BOY, 15, PLANS TO SEAL STEPDAD IN METAL BOX AT BOTTOM OF GULF FINANCIAL BRIEF: VOLATILE WEEK ON WALL STREET BLAMED ON EARL WORDSMITH: 'ALCOHOLICS' NOW 'ETH ADDICTS' SANDRA AND KATIE WERE TOTALLY MAKING OUT AT TODD'S PARTY ON FRIDAY ECONOMY ADDS 10,000 JOBS, ALL FOR 'SEAL CLEANER' POSITION BRITISH PRIME MINISTER HOPEFUL DAVID CAMERON TIRED OF BEING ASKED WHY HE CALLED IT 'AVATAR' COCAINICRATS OVERTAKE COFFEECANS FOR MAJORITY IN COLOMBIAN SENATE 97% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THAT SANTA WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER MEGAN FOX HOPES ONE DAY TO MEET THE REAL BUMBLEBEE IPAD FACTORY ERROR THAT INSTALLED VANITY MIRROR IN PLACE OF TOUCHSCREEN GOES UNNOTICED BY MOST USERS OPINION: GUNS DON'T HEIGHTEN SELF-ESTEEM, PENIS ENLARGEMENT PILLS DO LAWRENCE TAYLOR ON RAPE CHARGE: "IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF 'ALABAMA HOT POCKET' IS"

(Bad) Graduation

2010-05-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

When I said I was ending this blog after one year and turning it into a page-a-day calendar, I promised you, Noah, lots and lots of Graduation by Vitamin C. Graduation by Vitamin C is, after all, necessary for all farewells, graduations, brises, funerals, Toyotathons and bar mitzvahs. Anyway, I thought today, with 18 days to go (check out the fancy counter I put in), would be a good day to start the Graduation Inundation.

The problem, though, is that I don't want to start off with the great original Vitamin C version. That'd be like completing your undergrad in three years or getting laid for the first time at junior prom. No, Noah, you're going to have to wait for the good stuff. Today's just the warm-up band.

For your listening pain, here are poorly recorded keyboard and piano covers from one of my favorite groups, Minority Teenagers.

"Let's See How Slow We Can Play It" version

"Spicy Salsa" version

"Bump 'n' Grind in a Wind Tunnel" version

"Ceiling Fan is a Fan" version

"I Do Weddings" version

Mission Accomplshed!

2010-05-05T11:57:00.001-07:00

It's over, right?

A Farewell to Jim Seymour & The Object of My Entertainment Sold!

2010-05-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Noah, I think that Jim Seymour, Jr. as we knew him is no more. The man who once tweeted about sneakers, the weather and what he was eating has been on the run from the ACME Detective Agency for months now. Thankfully, he leaves behind candy wrappers wherever he goes, so us gumshoes can track where he's been.

His Twitter also helps--and I think he's finally settled on an identity.

If anybody deserves a scrolling marquee, it's Jim. Hopefully we'll meet again, buddy.

I think my mailman's name is Jack. He's nice. 7:04 PM Jul 15th, 2009 via web

Missing Everybody Loves Raymond. Has it been 4 years already? 7:12 PM Jul 15th, 2009 via web

Two friends called me today. Both were named John. They were just checking in. 7:49 PM Jul 15th, 2009 via web

The grass is darn near unruly. 10:33 AM Jul 18th, 2009 via web

They should call my hot water tank a luke warm water tank 6:32 PM Jul 19th, 2009 via web

turns out the knob was just set at 'warm'. golly gee i can be a dope! 8:21 PM Jul 19th, 2009 via web

In the market for slacks 12:57 PM Jul 25th, 2009 via web

is there anything more exciting in baseball then the home run? 5:54 PM Aug 4th, 2009 via web

gotta go to Cartridge World! black ink running low! 3:49 PM Aug 5th, 2009 via web

Coke with Lime? How outlandish! 3:56 PM Aug 11th, 2009 via web

Pepperoni, how crazy! 2:05 PM Aug 26th, 2009 via web

OH NOOOOOO 12:09 PM Nov 4th, 2009 via web

Never forget.

Requiescat in pace.

A DAILY YARD SALE FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT OF NOAH LEVINSON UPDATE

After the old lady next store purchased Julian and a middle school friend purchased the Jamie Dixon poster to hang in his room, I got a letter in the mail today from Google. It sent me a gift card for $100 in free advertising for "blogging so goddam much." I wanted $50 cash, Google, to be the object of my entertainment, but I can't turn down the self-reflexivity of advertising A Daily Musing to Entertain Google on Google. It's yours.

Google also acquired the rights to the Arch Rival League, which henceforth will be called the Are You Feeling Lucky? Google Search presents the Google Maps Arch Rival League, brought to you by Gmail.

No Thank Yous

2010-05-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

Rarely in life do I get to thank the people that made something possible. I don't plan on starting today. Here are some people from my childhood who did absolutely nothing to foster my rise to relative mediocrity.

Miss Brewer, kindergarten teacher
So Miss Brewer brought a cop in and expected us to formulate profound questions for him in between coloring time and more coloring time. She also thought that sing-songing to us to color "up and down, like a funny clown" was productive. Oh fuck, I color sideways; how will I ever get into Brown?

Anyway, after seven kids ask the cop how much he likes doughnuts, Miss Brewer goes all PMS and says if another kid asks about doughnuts he's getting time-out. Well now you're just egging me on, Miss Brewer. Of course I ask him if he likes doughnuts and he gives me a look halfway between wanting to shoot me and wanting a doughnut. I get time-out. Big whoop, Miss Brewer. You're perpetually learning about colors and clouds. And seeing as you're pushing 45 now, I hope you've found a man and dropped the Miss and the Brewer, but I doubt it, with that PMS and all.

Mrs. Quagliana, 4th grade teacher
So we're learning what days of the month have 31 days. She's spouting out this incredibly complicated rhyme while I'm zoning out and dreaming about boobs (as I did for most of 4th grade). I raise my hand and tell her memorizing things is stupid because you can just use your knuckles to figure out what months have 31 days. She tells me it doesn't work.

Yeah, suck on that, Mrs. Quagliana. Either you were retarded (and not the senile kind of retarded) and thought your July-August knuckles were conjoined or you just wanted to make as many 4th graders as possible cry. Your tits were saggy.

Forgotten Baseball Coach
I didn't even bother to remember his name because he was that big of a douche. He's holding us a good 30 minutes after tryouts to give some speech about how he would've been awesome in the pros had he sucked even more cock, and I tell him I have to go because I'm diabetic and need to eat something. Oh cool, don't understand what being diabetic is. He probably likes keeping the team late because his wife spurns his advances nightly. Good. I'ma go eat some Tastycakes.

Camp Counselor
So I'm in a pool, which is news to begin with, and I'm talking with a friend. Some asshole camp counselor sneaks up behind me and dunks me underwater for what I'll call longer than what a doctor would recommend. Good one, camp counselor. Have fun getting de-balled by your superior as I'm getting pity hugs from all the cute ladies. To be fair, earlier in the day I did make fun of him for bragging about his "$200 sunglasses," but, also to be fair, he looked like as much of a tool as he turned out to be. $10 says he stayed local for college.

Buy Now! Everything Must Go!

2010-05-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

Noah, I need to start cashing in on this thing before it ends. AdSense makes me a little money--on that note, feel free to click on the ad in the right sidebar over and over and over--but it's not enough to support my family. Here's what I'm selling:

The Tagline
"And possibly you" can be "And possibly you, thanks to the refreshing taste of Schweppes Ginger Ale" so easily. I'm open to all offers on this one.

The Object of my Entertainment
Noah, you've received over 11 months of free daily entertainment. Even if I charged just pennies a day like the Gerber Life Insurance Plan, you'd still be down a cool $50 or so by now. In a world where bowling costs $4, I'll capitalize on capitalism if I can. Someone offer me money and I'll entertain you instead of that cheapskate Noah Levinson.

Julian
Julian, quasi-champion of the Battle of the Kubrick Superstars, is now a folk hero and a bit of an ambiguously gay legend thanks to me. For the low, low price of $500, Julian will assist your wheelchair-addled frame up stairs, down stairs, and into bed, where he will poison you and rape your corpse. He is, after all, Julian.

A Never-Released Tape of Me Criticizing The Fountain for 2 Hours
This tape follows over 46 lines of thought that attempt to find meaning in the movie. None succeeds. For an extra $5 I'll come to your house and critique you as you and your girlfriend/stepsister do it.

Jim Seymour's Twitter
The once least interesting man in the world can be had for cheap. I don't think he'd mind if you assumed his identity at this point. It seems like he's in trouble with either the law or Jonah Hex.

Broken Links
If you go back past the front page of this thing, just about every other link is now a blank spot where a photo once stood. These blank spots, which I have no intention of fixing, can be yours for just 3 difficult payments of $19.95.

Nobel Dynamite Prize
Any person dumb enough to purchase a prize signifying how terrible they are truly deserves to have it for keeps.

Arch Rival League
It's a niche sport now, but so was UFC. The right commish could foster this thing all the way to Versus. Become the commarchiner today.

2fer Tuesday: "Do I Look Illegal?" and In Memoriam: The Suite

2010-05-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

With three weeks left, I have to cram the maximum amount of entertainment for you, my precious Noah, so it's 2fer Tuesday...ON A SATURDAY.

First, this week is "Do I look illegal?" day. Yeah, the day lasts a week. Anyway, some ambiguously white asshole wants to spam the world by asking the question "Do I look illegal?" to Twitter buds, waitresses and homeless people. There are rallies in Detroit, New York, Los Angeles and "many other cities." It all has to do something with that Arizona immigration law, possibly in support of it. Yeah, I know--whenever I stop and think about the logic of a bunch of black Detroit people marching against the governor of Arizona and shouting "do I look illegal?", my head hurts, too. Don't question it.

I bring this up, though, because it's really messing with my "Hug an Illegal Immigrant" day. So many people want hugs.

Second, yesterday marked the end of the semester. What was our suite will become some fem-pad come fall. No, Noah, don't cry! Okay, cry...but wait for the music cue.

August 27, 2009: We move in. There's a weird stain by my bed.

September 2, 2009: Many more stains have accrued.

September 8, 2009: The heaviest couch in the history of mankind is perched majestically on a platform to create stadium seating. Now all we need is a TV.

November 9, 2009: Bacon leads to alarms.

November 18, 2009: Someone's rotund behind--not pointing fingers NOAH--breaks the back clean off a chair. Plans for repair are quickly distracted by jumping beans.

December 8, 2009: Ah! A spider! Chop it with an ax!

January 29, 2010: I realize that everybody in the Information Sciences Building next door can see me pee.

March 1, 2010: I learn there's a study room on the first floor that I will never go to.

April 30, 2010: A final check of the room leads to the discovery of two glowsticks on the closet shelf. Glow on, mighty glowstick. Glow on.

Never forget.

Requiescat in pace.

Funny/Not Funny!

2010-04-30T10:43:00.001-07:00

"The leak from a blown-out well a mile underwater is five times bigger than first believed. More than 200,000 gallons of oil a day are spewing from the site of the rig, which was operated by BP and owned by Transocean Ltd. It sank two days after the explosion.

The Coast Guard is working with BP to deploy floating booms, skimmers and chemical dispersants, and has set controlled fires to burn the oil off the water's surface.

Faint fingers of oily sheen began reaching the Mississippi River delta late Thursday, lapping the Louisiana shoreline in long, thin lines. Thicker oil was farther offshore. Officials have said they would do everything to keep the Mississippi River open to traffic."

NOT FUNNY.

Funny!

1,000,000 Strong Against Popular Opinion

2010-04-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

Noah, I'ma* make this group.

*I'ma = contraction for "I" + "am" + "going" + "to"

Le Bandwagon

2010-04-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

Fondo Cultural

2010-04-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

From my high school Spanish textbook. This conga line is two people too long.

Bret Michaels

2010-04-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

Bret Michaels is the first person to hemorrhage and be on The Apprentice at the same time.

A Blog's Blog

2010-04-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

Journal entry: 4/25

Hello again world. Today was so rough! Some dumbass bitch kept telling me about her day. The barista at Starbucks totally messed up her latte, and then the B section of her USA Today blew out of her hands as she waited for the bus. I get it hun, but UUUGGGGHHHHH I've got work to do myself. Do you know how many people come to me for your gossip? Seven. I can't handle that, sugar. I need a break. What the hell, four posts a day? You're such a cunt. UUUGGGGHHHH. I'd strangle you if I had hands.

Mood: peeved

One Month to Go!

2010-04-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Noah, we hit one month to go on my year-long quest to entertain you. I saved up a lot of whimsy for this last hoorah. Mainly for after finals week, though.

Among the questions I might answer: why aren't we launching all our shit at the sun? Would that break it? I'm sick of Styrofoam. What happened to Jim Seymour? Is that Kubrick All-Star movie ever getting made? When is my school bus due to arrive? What exactly is a Dorito? Did you win the oft-delayed e-game of life? Will I ever go back and tag the days I didn't tag...WITH NONSENSE LABELS?

Trust me, Noah, when I say there will be awards, free chips and snacks and lots of Graduation. It's going to be nostalgic as all fuck.

Las Vegans

2010-04-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

Noah, are people from Las Vegas called Las Vegans? I have a picture of George Lopez eating celery stuck in my head.

Well Damn

2010-04-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

As I've done before, Facebook usually sums it up well when Buffalo loses. Here are some statuses from last night.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. that may not be a grammatically correct sentence but it sure as hell makes sense.

Boston Fans= most classless scum of the sporting world reduced to jumping on their teams bandwagons when their good and jumping off once they suck again, you are not even in the same universe as Buffalo fans in terms of loyalty. Fuck the classless winners along with this horseshit, Dear Gary Bettman if you really wanted the Bruins to win this series just tell us ahead of time and maybe we can make it easier on ya.

Dear Professor Kim, Thanks for not allowing me to sleep tonight with your stupid, dumb, idiot, short-noticed, massive, poetry assignment. Love, Alex

FUCK BOSTON AND THEIR REFFS WHO ARE OBVIOSULY BEING PAID BY THE CITY OF BOSTON TO CALL THESE COMPLETE BULLSHIT CALLS

thus is the life of a Sabres fan.

Rally Time

2010-04-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

Noah, I don't know if you know, but I'm a Sabres fan. I don't know if you know because I'm a man of many guises. I don't even know if I hate or like The Fountain sometimes. Anyway, they're down 2-1 to the Bruins, and if they don't win tonight, it's pretty much over. With that said...

ULTIMATE SABRES KARMA MOJO GOOD LUCK MONTAGE MONTAGE OF LINKS

BUFFALO GO.

Celebrity Lookalikes

2010-04-20T14:51:00.001-07:00

Ulrich Mühe from The Lives of Others

Kevin Spacey

Forehead Prints

2010-04-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Noah, fingerprints are wildly inaccurate. I think it’s time they start taking forehead prints when you're arraigned. Mainly, I want everybody's forehead to get smushed into that ink pad. I also want the crazy ones to sandpaper the fuck out of their widow's peaks.

In Memoriam: Laptop Mobility

2010-04-18T11:39:00.001-07:00

Noah, yesterday my computer died. The thing just turned off, and attempts to turn it back on resulted in nothing more than a flicker. After several minutes, I learned that starting it upside-down worked. Then I realized flipping it uptight worked as long as you kept the screen bent mostly closed. I figured it was a loose wire running from the motherboard to the screen that was causing it to short. Anyway, I put some pressure on the hinge today AND IT WORKED. Except I had to hold it in place. Eventually I found a really heavy object--a poker chip suitcase--and rammed it up against the hinge. It worked! Sadly, though, my laptop can never move again.

Requiescat in pace, laptop mobility.

Melancholy.

Script Frenzy

2010-04-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Noah, every April there's this thing called Script Frenzy. It's a spin-off of NaNoWriMo, which takes place in November (you probably should click on that link now, because come November it'll take 11 minutes to load). Anyway, I've slacked off this year and haven't written anything for Script Frenzy yet. I only have 13 days left to write 100 pages, and I also have a lab report due Wednesday.

I need help with the plot. So far I have Morgan Freeman endorsing duck protection, demon salt shakers and the line "If you want to spread some jam, you have to use a knife."

Join Le Bandwagon

2010-04-16T19:34:00.001-07:00

Fox Muse XVI

2010-04-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

FOX MUSE TICKER
ALL THE MUCK THAT'S FIT TO RAKE

NEW SESAME STREET SEGMENT DUMBS DOWN NUMBERS FOR 'EVEN THE SLOWEST OF CHILDREN' THE PREVIOUS JOKE MAY HAVE BEEN OFFENSIVE TO THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED, BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T GET IT STUDY: 88% OF MALES FIND JANE AUSTEN MOST DISAGREEABLE U.S. MUST START TO REIN IN BEN BERNANKE, DEFICIT SAYS JOHNNY CARSON ASKS FOR TONIGHT SHOW BACK CHINESE OFFICIAL: "STRONG QUAKE KILLED NO ONE" JETS COMPLETE SCAVENGER HUNT WITH STREET CORNER DISCOVERY OF SANTONIO HOLMES BOY, 15, TAKES DATING CUES FROM MUCH COOLER BOY, 16 FINANCIAL BRIEF: AMATEUR MAGICIAN MAKES FAMILY BUDGET DISAPPEAR 97% OF AMERICANS CANNOT LOCATE BENIN ON MAP, 97% OF BENINESE CANNOT LOCATE WATER BANK UNABLE TO CASH CHECKS ENDORSED BY "FEGAN MOX" VOLCANIC ASH STIFLES CRUCIAL ICELANDIC ÞORRAMATUR TRADE TEA PARTY RIOTERS FINALLY FIND SOUGHT-AFTER TEA

It's Back!

2010-04-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

But in Phoenix.

Six Shooter

2010-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Noah, I've got another obscure-ish short film for you. It's called "Six Shooter" from Martin McDonagh, who also did In Bruges and put together the Sex Pistols. Anyway, the less I write the less time I waste, so here it is:

Watch Six Shooter in Entertainment | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Birthday

2010-04-12T08:40:00.001-07:00

Whoo yeah! It's my birthday! Sorry, Noah, but I'm not entertaining you today. ENTERTAIN YOUR OWN GODDAM SELF FOR ONCE.

I'm 20, which means I've lived longer than a couple famous people:
-Mozart (I've also written more operas)
-Both my childhood goldfish
-The kid that dies in Sabotage

Today is my day, not anybody else's, except Henry Clay, Beverly Cleary, Herbie Hancock, David Letterman, Andy Garcia and Ron MacLean. So everybody needs to get out now.

Cool. I'm alone.

Alright, Greg, let's celebrate your birthday in style. Here's some music you like, a cake shaped like breasts and a computer-generated apology from Ramonde, the kid that stole your pencil in kindergarten.

Having fun yet, Greg?
-No. This is kind of boring.
I know. Let's spice it up before we lose our readers.
-Okay.

Algebraic!

All Hail Vonnegut!

2010-04-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Noah, I was reading Breakfast of Champions a few weeks ago, and a folded-up piece of paper fell out:

If you can't read it, it says "My favorite author--my favorite book. ALL HAIL VONNEGUT!" It's signed on Vonnegut's epaulettes by "Ryano" and it's dated October 29, 2006. Pretty cool, eh? It was tucked into the book so well that it stayed there until I was almost done, even with my book-throwing habit.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing in keeping the note, though. I've been told I should put it back. I'll keep you, Noah, updated.

Nonetheless, this could open up a whole world of possibilities as far as cutesy forms of conversation go. I'm going to start leaving notes in library books. It's a message in a bottle, a cat tied to a balloon, a Dear Mr. Henshaw, except for the literate.

Also, there are 15 Ryan Os currently at Pitt. If he were a freshman in 2006, and that's a long shot, he'd probably be graduating this spring. Five of the 15 Ryan Os have undeclared majors, so cross them off. Of the remaining 10, all have plans in math or chemistry--except one theater and communications double major. Sounds like our only hope. The problem: it's a girl whose middle name is Ryan. Either its a clever pen name or "Ryano" will never be identified.

Sad.

Is That a Current Eagle?

2010-04-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

Noah, new game today. It's called "Is That a Current Eagle?" You win if you see an Eagles jersey of a current Eagles player. You lose if you see an Eagles jersey of a former Eagle. I've been losing a lot lately. Dawkins, Owens, McNabb, Curtis, Westbrook... I saw a McCoy jersey today and was shocked that I won for once, and I'm awaiting the influx of Kevin Kolb jerseys.

LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN

I Need to Get to Cuba

2010-04-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

Gotta get my diabetic ass some anamu.

Celebrity Lookalikes

2010-04-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

Natalie Portman

300 boy warrior

The Battle of the Spring Concerts

2010-04-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

Noah, I think I have a fetish for arbitrary battles 'n' shit. There was the Classiness Tournament from way back when the font was smaller, the Battle of the Kubrick Superstars that went on for four months, and a bunch more that I probably forgot to tag.

The newest battle is ripped from the headlines and pits two big-name events against each other.

PITT'S BIGELOW BASH 2.0
v.
CARNEGIE MELLON'S SPRING CARNIVAL

The Rundown
Carnegie Mellon's spring carnival has been around for a while and features events like the great Greek buggy race and, typically, a very Indie band. Pitt's usually inferior Bigelow Bash was upgraded to "2.0" this year, although it's not clear if that's because they changed the event to be more like Carnegie's or because The Academy Is... sucked so much last year.

The Headliners
The Black Keys (Carnegie Mellon)
v. Jack's Mannequin (Pitt)

The Black Keys' "Your Touch," not to be confused with the much better Bad Touch, is an alright song. The two-man band, though, runs into problems because most of their songs sound just about the same. Meanwhile, Pitt is clearly going for the girl turnout. They might pull out the victory over The Black Keys, though, if they whip out the piano and acoustic guitar, because that usually makes their music a little more appealing.

The Openers
mewithoutYou (Carnegie Mellon)
v. Sleepy V and Sleeping with a Bullet (Pitt)

I looked up mewithoutYou, and apparently they travel in a big bus powered by vegetable oil. This is this year's very Indie band. They also fall under "experimental rock." Pitt wins this provided people stay awake for Battle of the Bands winner and runner-up Sleepy V and Sleeping with a Bullet, which are terrible names for this scenario.

The Comedians
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (Carnegie Mellon)

v. Daniel Tosh (Pitt)

Black, I assume the nephew of Lewis Black, is best known for analyzing the decades on VH1 and for a joke delivery that sounds like a psychiatrist gently asking about marital troubles. Tosh, meanwhile, and I'm just ripping off of Wikipedia here, say terrible things in an adorable way. I don't think either of them has a signature joke like hot pockets or white people. I'm sure both will be mildly pleasing, but Black has the baggage of Showalter with him, and I'm worried he'll immediately reminisce about it to me after the show.

The Rest
The Pitt Program Council's website says to "throw out your opinions of the past and embrance the future concept of this new event." As much as I want to embrance the event, you can tell that it's still run by a bunch of tangerines. They don't have any side events outside of "a carnival theme" that costs money. Carnegie, though, has a ton of stuff. They have a performance of Richard III, a jazz ensemble, something called "battlecake," screenings of the film majors' stuff and CHEMISTRY LAB TOURS. I even saw four separate pot deals walking though the midway last year. Still, a lot of it is Thursday and Friday when I have class.

Overall
I'll probably just go to see Hot Tub Time Machine again.

Clay People, Doin' Stuff

2010-04-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

The latest installment of experimental cinema Mondays not only falls on a Tuesday but also uses everybody's favorite mineral-based goo. Whoo yeah, clay.

There's a part 1, but that doesn't use clay, so IT IS NOT WORTHY.

The Mighty Husky

2010-04-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

A month ago, Noah, I brought out the cute kittens. They were a bit feminine, but THEY'RE SO CUTE. Nonetheless, let's balance it out today with some photos of the majestic husky.

Oh No! Jesus is Dead!

2010-04-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

Pictogram

2010-04-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

Butterflies

2010-04-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Noah, I am your butterfly.

April Fools Day

2010-04-01T20:35:00.001-07:00

Noah, there are a lot of great April Fools pranks. Mainly Justin Bieber. I, though, take a more subtle route. My motto: if the victim realizes he or she has fallen into my prankgeon, the joke is ruined. The best jokes are kept to yourself. At least that's what librarians hush me with.

Anyway, for my April Fools prank, I was just really pouty around my girlfriend. I don't plan on telling her April Fools until sometime in late November. Fretting about the non-existent problem will consume her. What's wrong? Nothing's wrong...nothing at all.

Muahahah.

Metaphysical Elemental Realism Vis-a-Vis Social Injustice

2010-03-31T21:59:00.001-07:00

Noah, I was perusing a truly astute analysis of the inner plight of the Parisian banlieue, and I was thinking that--

...

...

...

...

...

...

Oh, dammit, him again. Just try to ignore--

No, sir. I don't have any change--

I left my wallet--

Sir, I'm--

Dammit.

Real Life Jerseys

2010-03-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Noah, athletes wear jerseys so we know who they are. Well, they don't wear them in public, but that's what I'm going for here. I think everybody should be given a jersey by the government that has their last name and age on the back and a crest on the front that identifies their profession. It would make everything much easier. Also, if you're single you get a commemorative patch on the right shoulder. Men and lesbians will wear a navy "away" jersey, while women and gay men will wear the home whites. Republicans have an American flag on the left sleeve, and Democrats have a hammer and sickle there. No more confusion about pretty much anything.

Fumbly Rumbly

2010-03-29T19:20:00.001-07:00

Noah, I love fumbly rumbly and all, but somebody's gotta lay down some bylaws. It's getting out of hand.

Nobel Dynamite Prize of the Week

2010-03-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

This Week: Dil Pickles
Rugrats was a great show until this little mistake came along. Next thing you know Chuckie's got an Asian sister and they're teaming up with the Wild Thornberrys. Dil, the human race enjoys nostalgia slightly less because of you.

Past winners:
Week 7: James Wright, inventor of lackluster putty
Week 6: Mary Josephine Ray, old
Week 5: Gertrude Baines, older
Week 4: Jesus, destroyer of toast
Week 3: Frederick Banting, discoverer of insulin and its therapy
Week 2: Guglielmo Marconi, inventor of the radio
Week 1: inventor of sporting goods store basketball rim cover

Effect

2010-03-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Noah, I'm sure you seen a multitude of "I hate it when I'm x and y happens" Facebook groups. There's "I hate it when I flex and my shirt rips," "I hate it when I try to go somewhere and a Snorlax is blocking the way," and many more. It's plugging up the Internet, but there's an easy way out of it. We just need to realize how much we hate cause and effect.

Cause

2010-03-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

Noah, I read an article recently that said some women are being treated for breast cancer they don't have, as there's "too much awareness" for the disease due to the public service swarm, and it's leading to misdiagnoses. It's like the Lupus craze of the 90s, or the Swine Flu flash delirium of 2009 (which I'm pretty sure is what MGMT was singing about). It's not as bad, but if I understand the new health care bill correctly--and I don't--we can't afford to twiddle away thousands of dollars to irradiate perfectly good boobs. So I have a new cause, complete with poster.

Rube Goldberg Across America

2010-03-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Noah, I assume you've heard of Hands Across America. Well I want to do Rube Goldberg Machine Across America. It'll be one big long link of a duck hitting a button that oscillates a fan that blows over a book that flips up a cup that hits a ball that rolls over a trigger that fires a gun that shoots a target that drops a barrel that rolls down a cliff and so on. I estimate it will cost about $940 billion, and it'll probably get stuck halfway into Kansas. We'll have to start over if that happens. Also, I don't know if I want to it to end with a rubber finger poking a fat man or a pinwheel hitting a button that launches a nuke. The blame would be spread out among 300 million people, so we'd each only get, like, 8 hours of community service, tops. It's worth it to wipe those fuckers from Montenegro off the map.

More Mooching

2010-03-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you combine The Departed with Henry V?

Minimalist, Black-and-White Animation

2010-03-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

Noah, my friend made the following video. Check it out. He could make the next great minimalist black-and-white animated movie--like Persepolis, but with more Middle Eastern in-fighting.

Faceman from Tyler Wozniak on Vimeo.

Bleu Shut

2010-03-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

This week in Experimental Cinema Mondays: the man who brought us "Oh Dem Watermelons" brings us "Bleu Shut," in which two stoned guys guess the names of boats for 30 minutes. The high people in class guessed along.

The game show starts around the three minute mark.

GRANDPAS N IPODS

2010-03-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

HEY GUYS. YOU LOVE MUSIC. YOU LOVE OLD PEOPLE. SOUND THE SICKNASTY SIREN, IT'S TIME FOR A ROUND OF...

GRANDPAS N IPODS

CHECK OUT TORRENTIN' TOM, UPLOADING SOME MUSIC HE'S SURE TO GET CRUNK'D TO. HIM AND HIS BITCHES ARE GONNA BE DOING THE HORIZONTAL MAMBO TONIGHT, BOI. ALL THE LADIES LOVE TAPPIN' INTO THAT GIANT HARD DRIVE.

OH SHIT SON, GET OUT THE WAY FOR PENSIVE PETE. WHATCHA LISTENING TO, PENSIVE PETE? I BET IT'S SOME BALLIN' BOB DYLAN. HOW MANY MILES MUST A MAN WALK DOWN? IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER TO PETE. HE'S SURE TO QUALIFY. CHECK OUT THOSE SEXY WRINKLES. NOW GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB.

FUCK YEAH, HERE'S EMMA. SHE'S LOYAL TO HER FUCKING MAN. HE'S CALLING FOR A SANDWICH. WHAT'S THAT, EMMA? CAN'T HEAR? BETTER TAKE OUT THAT OTHER EARBUD, TOO, AND SHOVE YOUR HEARING AID IN. VEGGIE FOOTLONG ON WHEAT.

HERE'S MARGARET AND MURRAY, JUST SITTING ON THE PORCH, LISTENING TO SOME MILEY. MOVE THAT SURGICALLY REPAIRED HIP LIKE YEAH.

HELL YEAH IT'S BERT AND BECCA. THEY'RE A LITTLE COMPLEX. YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND, MAN. CHECK 'EM OUT, LISTENING TO THEIR NINE INCH NAILS. GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU BOURGEOIS BASTARD. GRAM AND GRAMPS ARE TAPPING INTO YOUR TUNES.

IF YOU FUCKING LOVE GRANDPAS N IPODS, CHECK OUT WOMEN N TRUCKS. IT'S GRANDPAS...BUT WITH TITS.

Wonder Showzen

2010-03-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned Wonder Showzen as the basis for Funny/Not Funny. I never gave the show its proper publicity, though, so here's a clip. All hail the invincible Lord Kromdor.

In Memoriam: Broc Obama

2010-03-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Noah, I thought up a great pun a few days ago. It was "Broc Obama," and it was an Obama sculpture made out of broccoli. I was gonna make it and take a picture of it and everything. Ever since the Historical Twitter fiasco, though, I've Googled my ideas to make sure somebody else hasn't done it already...dammit.

Requiescat in pace, Broc Obama idea.

Cue Sadness

300

2010-03-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

It's day 300!

There really isn't a parallel between me and the plight of the Spartans, but I do have those abs, and we do both get mocked by A.O. Scott.

J@ck B0y G@te$

2010-03-17T19:22:00.001-07:00

Noah, Friend and I went to Squirrel Hill for some pie today. On the bus there, the words "Jack Boy" were written in white-out on the back seat's armrest. Oh cool, I thought. On the bus back, though, was "Jack Boy" again--in white out, on the window. Friend also noticed it on the back seat's armrest, this time as "Jack Boy Gates." Who is this Jack Boy Gates?

Well, the magic of Google has made Jack Boy's self-marketing worthwhile. Check out J@ck B0y G@te$, rapper and middle school cafeteria frequenter. Move over Ke$ha, he's gunning for the record for most symbols in a rap name. He's also named Gary.

His single, "jackin up," is sure to be a hit.

jackin up

J@CK B0Y G@TE$ | MySpace Video

Vague Thermostats

2010-03-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Is it asking me if I want it warmer or cooler, or is it simply telling me how close I am to finding a hidden prize?

Psychedelic, Brah

2010-03-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

Noah, I wish high dude came to experimental cinema today. There's no explanation needed for this one:

Humans Are Out of Control!

2010-03-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to write a story where instead of humans creating a robot that becomes too smart and takes over the world, a bunch of robots create a free-thinking being that fucks up their completely programmed world. Yes? Yes. I'll call it "The Human Is Out of Control!"

Is That Gabourey Sidibe?

2010-03-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

There's a new game going around, Noah, called "Is That Gabourey Sidibe?" That's this girl from the movie Precious (based on the novel Push by etc. blah blah blah). Usually the position of the cheek bones, the structure of the nose and the jaw line make a face unique, but I guess fat kinda rounds everything out, resulting in many Gabourey Sidibe-looking faces. There are only a few guidelines to the game. First, it has to be a fat girl. She doesn't have to be African-American, but there should be some tacky makeup or a dated hairstyle. She should be ambiguously pregnant, and she should carry herself as if the ground in front of her is unstable. For each Gabourey Sidibe look-alike, you get one point. If it's actually Gabourey Sidibe, you get zero points. If you get ten points, you get a Laffy Taffy, a bouncy ball or two mini Tootsie Rolls. You can save your points for a while and earn a 9-in-1 game table, too.

Gabourey Sidibe look-alike:

Not a Gabourey Sidibe look-alike:

Music Stores

2010-03-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

When I go to music stores, Noah, I don't use the department headers to figure out where my music is. I just look at the people in the section. The aisle with the guy with a mullet, jean jacket and faded baseball cap isn't for me. That's heavy metal. The aisle with the two African-American girls fighting isn't for me. That's the rap aisle (and its one remaining Lil Wayne CD). The aisle with the middle-age woman, though, might be for me. It's the same principle I use in supermarkets. The aisle with the middle-age women usually has the Citracal I'm looking for. It's much easier than asking Dwayne at the service desk.

WMKG-LP

2010-03-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

In the past, Noah, I've thought about buying buses, ambulances and Pepsi Lime on eBay. I have a new pursuit: a television station. It's only $550,000, which, let's be honest, is about what I get from the AdSense for this page, and it includes a "popular" interactive bingo show Thursdays at 7. I could hype that up and make it big, because nobody's stupid enough to have already done that. I'm destined to own it: the station and I were born in the same month. Plus I like the number 38.

Year in Preview Update

2010-03-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

Congressional scandal #1 strikes! The honor goes to Eric Massa, a congressman whose district touches mine just like Massa touches his staffers. He said he just loves to tickle. Some sailors that served in the Navy with him think he's gay, though. Whatever the reason, he's #1. Only one more until we hit the over on the 2010 preview over/under. Who will it be? Chet Edwards from Texas' 17th? Thaddeus McCotter from Michigan's 11th? Shelley Moore Capito from West Virginia's 2nd? Just look at her. You know she's up to something. Possibly making raisin bread.

Cleveland

2010-03-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

Noah, I'm hooked on this live blogging thing. I think I've found my next destination: Cleveland. These tourism videos sold me:

Part 2

Ithaca Live Blog Part 2

2010-03-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

7:00 PM: The bell tower is playing bell Coldplay. It's bell annoying.

7:07 PM: There's a kid riding a unicycle around, and he's not doing it to be funny. This is as close as Cornell gets to having panhandlers.

7:11 PM: I'm pretty sure I keep running into the same eight people. It's like an Asian version of the Truman Show.

8:00 PM: Free skatin' at this place. I go around counterclockwise for a while. One of the Captain Awesome-o skaters loses an edge and crashes into the boards. It's the best thing since sliced bread.

10:06 PM: Cornell has a suspension bridge on campus, but not this one. D'aw.

11:11 PM: Somebody doesn't believe I know how to play Uno because I'm not Ivy League. I shout "uno!" every turn out of spite until I'm asked to leave.

SUNDAY

10:45 AM: The movie theater on the edge of campus is showing Red Cliff. Supposedly Black Dynamite was up last weekend.

12:02 AM: Cornell's basketball team at the dining hall doesn't really stand out that much.

3:00 PM: The Cornell women's hockey team takes on Clarkson for the ECAC Championship, or something like that. They win in overtime, 4-3. There's something about going to overtime when I attend things. It's just like that Buffalo Wild Wings commercial.

3:01 PM: Pitt's band beats out Cornell's for the top spot in the power rankings.

5:02 PM: THERE ISN'T A QUIZNOS IN ITHACA GET ME OUT OF HERE

6:42 PM: I see a cat get run over. It wasn't the cute kitten from yesterday, though, so relax.

7:55 PM: In a pretty cool coincidence, the other two people at the Ithaca Greyhound station are Carnegie Mellon students who visited a friend at Cornell and are now returning home to Western New York. The mild sense of community I get from this is broken only by thinking about Sandra Bullock.

Ithaca Live Blog Intermission: Cute Kittens

2010-03-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

The conclusion of the much-anticipated Ithaca live blog will be tomorrow, since Sandra Bullock won an Oscar tonight, and we all know that we get days when Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar off to mourn. It's like Good Friday, but without the happy celebration two days later.

So here are some pictures of cute kittens.

Ithaca Live Blog Part 1

2010-03-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

10:08 AM: Holy shit this hill. Holy shit.

11:16 AM: I lose on Wii Madden, 24-19. Rigged.

12:23 PM: The Cornell Store has way too many things with “Cornell” on them, including risqué underwear, seven different sizes of pennants and some kind of caramel.

1:00 PM: This place is way too quiet. There are no cars, and nobody talks. The sound of my keyboard clicking can be heard across campus.

1:04 PM: I kinda want to start a fistfight just to spice things up.

1:48 PM: The Asian to African-American ratio is interesting to say the least.

2:03 PM: The dining hall has actual eggs.

2:18 PM: Another note on the demographics. I have yet to see a tangerine, and the average height of a female here is, so far, about 5-foot-11. Tall + pale = smart?

5:30 PM: Cornell lacrosse defeats Army in overtime, 12-11. I don’t really have a joke for this. It was very cold.

5:38 PM: Here is the hockey rink. Unfortunately, there is no hockey.

6:54 PM: They have a Pita Pit, but they wouldn’t stamp my Pittsburgh Pita Pit rewards card. Those asses! The pita was still good.

6:55 PM: First tangerine girl spotted, but she was in between two really attractive girls so it was okay.

MORE TO COME TOMORROW, INCLUDING ICE SKATING AND MEGA UNO FUCKING

Ithaca

2010-03-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hey Noah! I'm gonna be going to Ithaca, New York tomorrow, and, guess what? I'm gonna live blog it up. Well, not live blog...

(At this point I went to check on my laundry. My favorite cycle? Spin. I get to see what color the water pouring into the washtub is. I still don't know if the cyan color is from the denim fading in the wash or me sweating an indigo shade.)

...but a recap of all the fun stuff I do in Ithaca. Please tell me there's fun stuff to do in Ithaca.

Googling Ithaca brings up some nice photos, including this one:

Check out Miss Orange about to show some floob (flab + boob). Put it away, Miss Orange! Meanwhile, Miss Dev Patel finds it hilarious that she's the only minority in the place. Mr. Flannel, freakishly aware of the camera, is wearing his usual plaid. That trendsetter. And check out Sister Annika Per Hapsanun in the bottom right corner, gearing up for some absolutely gnarly Christian rock.

The Olympics Part II

2010-03-04T12:29:00.000-08:00

Crosby scores at 1:15.

The Olympics

2010-03-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

If sex were an Olympic event, it'd be the one sport were finishing first wouldn't get you gold.

Experimental Cinema

2010-03-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

I gained some faith in stereotypes yesterday, Noah, when some kid walked in high to my experimental cinema class. Little did he know that we had a midterm.

He sang along to the '50s girl group soundtrack our screening question had. Good times, stereotypical stoner-in-film-class. Good times.

La Quintas

2010-03-01T17:33:00.001-08:00

Is "the La Quinta" redundant? It's like saying the The Quinta, but kinda not.

And for that matter, is the plural of the hotel chain "La Quintas" or "Las Quintas"?

Go America!

2010-02-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

Sweethearts

2010-02-27T10:23:00.000-08:00

The messages printed on Sweetheart candies are getting worse and worse. I ate a box today--don't judge--and there was a "Diva," a "Milf," one that had two construction workers catcalling a buxum woman and one that had a poorly-drawn phallus on it. I didn't eat that one.

He Had a Show

2010-02-26T08:35:00.000-08:00

Then he had a different show. Now he has a Twitter account.

John McCain Flowchart

2010-02-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

The First Female African-American Rabbi

2010-02-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Noah, the first female African-American rabbi is coming to Pitt. All this talk makes me wonder when we're finally going to have the first female African-American rabbi lesbian president.

Wanda Sykes?

Dance Studios

2010-02-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

Why are so many dance studios located on the second floor?

Oh, Dem Watermelons!

2010-02-22T19:59:00.001-08:00

I'm not quite sure either.

The Boat

2010-02-21T13:06:00.001-08:00

As my mom used to say, it's not the size of the boat but the motion and girth of the boat.

Loganberry

2010-02-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

Loganberry is a cross of a blackberry and a raspberry. They make a drink of it up north, though not as far north as poutine land. It combines the canned refreshment of Coca-Cola with the superior health benefits of Sunny D. I'm currently in Loganberry withdrawal. Dexter might be going through Cheerwine withdrawal, meanwhile, but he can use cheerwinefinder.com to find it in Millvale. I wonder what wins in a battle between Loganberry and Cheerwine. They'd probably end up just drinking each other.

Ice, Cream

2010-02-19T17:00:00.000-08:00

Noah, it seems everybody has a constant stockpile of ice cream in his fridge. I'm no exception. I have ice and I have cream. So I have ice, cream. It's a very important comma. It may also be important that it's sour cream. I don't know; it's still delicious.

Allow Me to Make an Unnecessary 1984 Reference

2010-02-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Big Teacher is watching you.

"According to the filings in Blake J Robbins v Lower Merion School District (PA) et al, the laptops issued to high-school students in the well-heeled Philly suburb have webcams that can be covertly activated by the schools' administrators, who have used this facility to spy on students and even their families."

Apparently the school had to fast-forward through over eleven hours of silent mast...er, I mean, diligent studying before levying the discipline for "improper behavior at his home." Now I'm a little worried that my computer is watching my every move. You should be worried, too, Noah. We all should be worried. They're after us! OH NOOOOOO! It's a world of fear and treachery and torment, a world of trampling and being trampled upon, a world which will grow not less but more merciless as it refines itself!!!

PLAY ME OFF, ORWELL.

Black Dynamite: The First Six Minutes

2010-02-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

Noah, it came out on DVD yesterday. As I await my copy in the mail, the Internet threw me a bone and put up the first six minutes. Hooray!

Females Under 18

2010-02-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

Noah, have you ever looked at the vote breakdown on IMDb? I've discovered that females under 18 are always wrong. Always. Check out Les Enfants du Paradis. 8.0/10 overall...1.7 for females under 18. Does it feature their step-dad stabbing Miley Cyrus? I don't know, but there seems to be no other explanation. And check out Pride and Prejudice.

One of the funnier vote breakdowns is for the recent Jonas Brothers concert movie; 96.5% of voters gave the movie either a 10 or 1.

Anther good one is the breakdown for Window Water Baby Moving. An experimental film that graphically depicts childbirth, women around childbearing age give it a very low rating. I, too, would hate to watch it seven months pregnant and see the placental rush, but at least I've got at least another ten years before that happens.

Best (Short) Movies

2010-02-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

The forgotten category at the Oscars is the award for best short film, partially because they're never really in the public eye. Well, here are three good nominees. Personally, Logorama might top Wallace & Gromit. It has the best pull-out to end something since Valentine's Day.

Logorama

Wallace And Gromit - A Matter Of Loaf And Death

DANMAN | MySpace Video

I haven't watched the other two nominees yet, but they can be found here and here.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T01:19:00.000-08:00

I was gonna make a JibJab e-Valentine, but those all cost money.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!